Happy belated Independence day, MPU listeners!

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For those of you who didn’t spend this most American of holidays in a closed door meeting with Russian officials in Moscow like these eight US Senators, I hope you enjoyed the day. We now are in the final hours before Trump announces his pick for dismantling reproductive rights the Supreme Court, an announcement that is expected on Tuesday. And the on-going talks with North Korea seem to have hit a rough patch as the North Koreans call the latest meetings with US officials “regrettable” and suggest that they don’t intend to be the only country withdrawing nuclear programs from the peninsula. Historically, they have wanted to take over the entire region and have the US stop protecting South Korea so this is not a big surprise to anyone – except maybe to the Trump administration.

We’ll be discussing all of that when we sit down to record this weekend. Until then, here’s all the news that’s not fit to ‘cast!

War Is Hella Funny: Some of you may be reading this column from from the smoking rubble that remains of our country after the short but pithy Second Civil War. Liberal forces attacked the MAGA empire on July 4th, leaving behind a wake of…well, tweets. There were tweets.

You see, Alex Jones predicted that Democrats were going to start a civil war on July 4th. This came as news to a lot of Democrats and most of us already had plans for the 4th so we weren’t sure we’d actually be able to make it to the civil war between the family BBQ and the fireworks. But we rallied and made our way to the only battlefield that matters anymore: social media.

The morning of the 4th spawned the hashtag #SecondCivilWar letters and the tweets did not disappoint:

My dear husband,
I’ve been captured by Gens Collins &Murkowski, who keep saying they’re on my side, but I have a feeling they’ll turn on me in the end.
The covfefe here is terrible.
Yours everlastingly,
Jane#secondcivilwarletters

— (((Bad at Ballet))) (@AlizaWrites) July 3, 2018

Dearest Mittens,
I have reported for duty, but the battlefields are deserted. Could @infowars intel be fabricated or has Soros finally run out of money?#secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/dXIW5NPPri

— TeriSaysWhat (@IamTeriC) July 4, 2018

My husband
The battle for equal rights continues. Five men-an officer, chief, cowboy, const. worker, and a man in leather-stormed the VP residence today taking an all-too-willing grayed hostage. His mother(?) ran after sobbing. More later.
Yours,
Dale #secondcivilwarletters

— Dandy Donnie is the Swamp (@DandyThedandy1) July 3, 2018

Dear father,

I’ve arrived at the outpost. No one seems to be here. Are you sure you sent me the right coordinates?

Awaiting further instructions.

I’m so lonely.
#secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/AFyEktNFOV

— InsaneClownPresident (@InsaneClownPrez) July 3, 2018

But this one was the best:

**Breaking News Democrats***#Democrats #CivilWar2 #CivilWar #SecondCivilWar #secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/7T0ZtQ0IBx

— Maricopa County Democrats (@MaricopaDems) July 4, 2018

Environmental Protection: There was some good news in the world of conservation this week. No, I don’t mean the resignation of Scott Pruitt. His resignation was indeed welcome but he’s likely to be replaced with someone just as bad for the environment and probably better at covering up his own corruption. I mean, it’s not like there’s anyone worse at covering up corruption than Scott Pruitt.

What I’m talking about this a group of vigilantes in South Africa who dispatched a gang of suspected rhinoceros poachers in a game preserve. We only have suspicions to go on because the vigilantes ate the alleged poachers. Because the heroes in question were lions.

Investigators found the remains of three people – they think. They found shoes and clothes for three people as well as guns and equipment for removing rhino horns. The human remains were pretty thoroughly savaged. Because, you know. They were mauled and eaten by lions.

Rhinos are critically endangered but their horns can fetch up to $9,000 per pound on the black market. Since 2008, more than 7,000 rhinos have been hunted illegally, with 1,028 killed in 2017, according to the South African Department of Environmental Affairs.

Fortunately for the remaining rhinos, they share territory with lions who apparently have no problem taking care of poachers in an efficient, if brutal, manner.

Lions, we thank you for your service.

O-H-I-Oh No: My Buckeye heart is a little broken to be writing about the revelation that doctor employed by the athletic department at The Ohio State University from the 1970s through the 1990s has been accused of sexually assaulting at least 5 past members of the OSU wrestling team.

Among other allegations, Politico reported this week that “[Dr.] Strauss allegedly preyed on male students during physicals, groping them to the point of making them ejaculate, according to one nurse who witnessed it and recounted the story in a video produced by alleged victims…”

Strauss left the University in 1998 and killed himself in 2005 so he will never stand trial for the crimes he’s accused of.

The athletes now claim that the entire coaching staff in the wrestling program knew about the behavior and didn’t bring it to a halt. One member of the coaching staff is a current Member of Congress. Representative Jim Jordan is a leader of the Freedom Caucus, a group of hardline conservatives in the House.

Jordan claims that he never knew any such thing and the athletes speaking up now are lying.

In the #MeToo era, it is inevitable that the spotlight would shine on assailants who prey on men as well as women. And if you think coming forward to level an accusation about your athletic program is hard for a female athlete, think of how much harder it must be for a male athlete to grapple with doing so.

I believe the wrestlers.

Porn Is Bad M’Kay: Finally, I would like to make a quick statement about these rallies Trump keeps holding and the media keeps covering.

Ahem.

STOP!

These rallies are how Trump masturbates without Viagra. They’re basically web-cam shows for hate porn. Don’t show it, don’t watch it, and for the love of god, don’t go attend the live show.

The rallies are gross and they should be discouraged in all possible ways, including media blackouts of them.

Tune in on Monday morning for the latest episode of the podcast where I will refrain from talking about Trump and masturbation in the same thought. I apologize for any images you’ll have in your head until then.