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An Interview* with President Trump

An Interview* with President Trump

by Kevin Kelton

* EDITOR’S NOTE: The More Perfect Union podcast reached out to the White House requesting an interview with President Donald J. Trump. They never got back to us. So we went ahead and held our own sit-down with the President, answering how we believe he would if he were being totally open and candid, as he reportedly is with friends.  This freewheeling hypothetical interview was held in the Roosevelt Room of the White House, just moments ago.

Interviewer: Good morning, Mr. President. Thanks for sitting down with us today.

President Trump: No problem. Can they get you anything? Coffee? Diet Coke?

Interviewer: No, thank you. I want to start off with a look at the office of the presidency itself, and your feelings about the job so far. You made some veiled references at a rally recently about being president for life. I assume only in jest–

Trump: Yes. If you look at the tape, I was clearly joking for the crowd, and they loved it. Although, my poll numbers are up, so…  (The President makes a hand-weighing gesture.)

Interviewer: Would you be interested in serving for more than two terms if it was possible?

President Trump: Well, I’m going to be here for two terms, that I promise. Who are they gonna put up? Biden? No contest. I’ll do to him what I did to Kasich and Jeb. Sanders? A little tougher, but I’d brand him as “Comrad Bernie” or “Commie Bernie” – I haven’t decided yet – and slowly increase his negatives to the point where no one but far left liberals would vote for him. Warren, Gillibrand or Harris in California? Please! Bring them on. That’s a wet dream for me.

Interviewer: But as for a third term–

President Trump: Yes, 2024. Not out of the question. If we hold the House in November, we’re looking at some kind of legislation we could send up now about changing the 22nd Amendment after 2020. Everybody on staff says you can’t make it for the current president, that it has to be retroactive…for future presidents. But we’re looking at a couple of ways around that. Then the American people could decide who they want and who they don’t, not some ridiculous amendment that was meant to retire a Roosevelt before he went senile. You know, they tried to pass it while he was in office, but he blocked it.

Interviewer: Uh, actually, that’s not correct. The 22nd Amendment was passed–

President Trump: Yeah, under Truman, I know. But some people were talking about it while FDR was alive. He was a physical mess. Reagan, too. You can’t be doing this job in your 80s. That’s why Sanders and Biden are a joke. Judges, maybe. Although Ginsberg, she’s long past her do-not-sell date. You want that with her finger on the button? 

As for a third term, I haven’t ruled it out. But what I prefer is to see Ivanka run. She should be the first woman president. She’d be great, don’t you think? So what I envision is her in 2024, with me as a president emeritus of sorts. You know, there when she needs me, but not trapped in the White House 24/7. Or if I ran again, maybe some kind of hybrid “senior presidency” where I could work out of my homes and leave the day-to-day stuff to someone else.

Interviewer: Like a part-time presidency?

President Trump: No, you probably couldn’t do this part-time. But you certainly don’t have to spend your entire day on it. That’s the old paradigm. You know, the Founders, they didn’t envision full-time government service. It was supposed to be, you serve your country, then you go on and make some money for yourself. Not this career politician thing we have now. What kind of loser wants to spend his life doing this? I wouldn’t trust anyone who doesn’t believe in capitalism. You do your time, salute the flag, then move on and build an empire. Me, I built mine first. But the idea is the same. 

Interviewer: Yes, but I think what you’re referring to is the concept of term limits and citizen representation. Not a part-time commander-in-chief.

President Trump: You brought it up. There’s lots of mayors – local mayors – who do the job part-time. I’m not saying I’d be part-time, mind you. Just, you don’t have to be 24/7. That’s the swamp talking. I do some of my best work at Mar-a-Lago. Even on the golf course, I’m taking calls, working deals. I don’t need to be locked in public housing in DC to do the job. Einsenhower got it. Moved to Camp David. It’s named after his kid, you know. David Eisenhower. At least, that was the cover story. Ike’s real name was Dwight David Einsenhower, you know, so some people say he really named it after himself. But they make fun of me for the name, Trump Tower. Camp David, Cape Kennedy, they all did it. That’s the part the fake news never tells you. Before that, FDR called Camp David “Shangri-La.” Did you know that? People make fun of the name, Mar-a-Lago, like it’s some elitist thing, but FDR called his second presidential home Shangri-La. Can you imagine? Mar-a-Lago is my Camp David. Better. Have you seen Camp David lately? A dump.

Interviewer: Uh, I think the name Cape Kennedy was changed after…

President Trump: Back to Canaveral, I know. Horrible thing to do to him. I have to look into that.

Interviewer: Moving on… You talked about the Founding Fathers, who I know you have admiration for. 

President Trump: Great people. Real patriots. Hamilton, I think, would’ve made a lot of money today. First Treasury Secretary. He set this whole deal up. He thought like a capitalist. Good man.

Interviewer: You also mentioned Presidents Kennedy, Eisenhower and Roosevelt. What is it like to know you are now in the company of those great men?

President Trump: It feels right. Honestly, I always felt I was in their company, to use your phrase. Kennedy? A big myth. His father created that whole deal. Bought him into Harvard. Bright guy, but nothing special. My dad knew his father. He set that whole deal up, Camelot – after Joe died in that plane crash. He was supposed to be president. John was just a playboy. They make a big deal outta my affairs, but John! He was humping German spies. There were no special counsels about that, I can tell you. Back then they knew, public was public and your private life was private. Ben Bradley got it. Not like this Bezos character. You didn’t have this phony morality you do these days. Fake morality from the fake media. They loved JFK, but they never investigated him like this. It’s ridiculous. FDR, Ike, Johnson, Bush one – they all had their infidelities. I’m sure Lincoln did too, with that crazy woman Mary Lincoln Todd at home hocking him every day. Imagine being married to that one! 

Interviewer: Mary Todd Lincoln.

President Trump: Right. Certified insane woman, you know. Like Maxine Waters, but worse. Used to wander the halls of the White House, talking to the portraits of the presidents. Total loon.

Interviewer: Uh… I think you might be conflating her with Richard Nixon.

President Trump: Both of them. Total nutcases. Not in his first term. Nixon was sharp, more than the fake media gives him credit for. That deal with the Chinese? That’s what I’m shooting for. Real Nobel Prize stuff. My dad knew him. But his second term, when they tried to hound him out of office? That’d drive anyone crazy. They appoint these prosecutors and give them carte blanche to look into anything they want, from decades back. His mistake was playing along. Should’a just burned the tapes. I said that then. He should have just stonewalled it and fought back. You never admit you’re wrong. Never give up. He was a weak man ultimately. With the drinking. I never touch the stuff. Not a drop. Fred, my late brother, that’s what killed him. Liquor is for weak men. I taught my kids that. And you see how they turned out.

But that whole deal about those other presidents being so great and all? Big myth; fake news! I’m in their league. Maybe more so, ’cause look what I did before being president. You think Kennedy or Ike could have built a private empire like that? FDR? Gimme a break. Joe Kennedy did, but he never had the balls to run. Left that for his kids. Not me. Fifty years from now school kids will be reading and learning about me, I promise you. I’ll be their JFK. Only better ’cause I won’t have been shot.

NEXT: An Interview* with President Trump, PART 2 – POLICY ISSUES

Kevin Kelton is a cohost of The More Perfect Union podcast and founder of Open Fire Politics on Facebook.

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