Busting a Hole in the ‘Bernie or Busters’

Okay, time to bust a hole in the Bernie or Bust movement. No, their noisy Facebook threats notwithstanding, they will not throw the general election to Donald Trump. Because, once again, their inability to do math disproves their theory of the race. Here’s how…

The B or B theory is that enough BernieBots who either stay home or vote third party will deny Hillary Clinton the votes she’ll need to win. But that’s extremely unlikely. The numbers prove it.

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Front Runner Is As Front Runner Does

Segments:

Clinton and Trump win big in New York. Surprise!

Virginia allows certain felons to vote. Apparently felons are also human.

Harriet Tubman probably would have shot Andrew Jackson in the face.

Check out this episode!

Dispelling the Sanders’ Matchup Poll Myth

Now that New York has spoken and any realistic chance for Bernie Sanders to catch Hillary Clinton in pledged delegates has vanished, it’s time to dispel the Sanders campaign’s myth that general election matchup polls should determine who gets the 2016 Democratic nomination. It’s true that Sanders is currently doing slightly better than Hillary Clinton in head-to-head polls against Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and John Kasich. But that has never been, and should never be, the deciding criteria when choosing a nominee. The proof is in history itself. Specifically, the Clinton-Obama race of 2008.

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Why I Am Voting For Donald Trump

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I firmly believe that Donald Trump is a narcissistic blowhard, entirely unqualified to be president of the United States. This is settled law, not open for debate. And I’m voting for him.

I am, I think for the first time, voting for a huge asshole that I do not want to win (as compared to past assholes that I’ve wanted to win).

How did I get here?

I am a registered Republican in Maryland. Until recently I had planned on voting for Governor Kasich, but recent events have made me dump this plan. I have an Ohio friend who has been telling me for months that Kasich is a buffoon, but I had been ignoring his warnings because, well, the other candidates are not the sort of Republicans that I would want to be president. In fact, for me, Kasich has the right temperament, a work history of getting stuff done outside of partisan restraints, and isn’t out in public talking about dicks and dildos. He should be my guy.

Unfortunately, his campaign is a bungled mess here in Maryland. He should be surging, but instead he has proven that when given a fantastic opportunity to assemble a crack team of professionals to work on some serious shit, he fucks it up.

Two examples. First, his campaign screwed up the delegate dance. Even if Kasich wins my state, he won’t get the delegates. Read about that here if you’re low on your daily headslap quota.

Second, and this is anecdotal, nobody on the Maryland Kasich team knew how I could get a yard sign. My county and state reps shrugged and glossed over my requests. I even had an active Kasich volunteer friend in Virginia try to get me one. Nothing. I’ve have yard signs for board of ed candidates, but this request was too much for the Kasich team.

Anyway, back to Trump. I see zero chance that this guy could win the presidency.

Around 79% of women think that he is a piece of shit.

Around 8 in 10 Hispanics think that he is a piece of shit.

Around 2 out of 3 Republicans think that he is, well, not entirely human (my interpretation).

So, why don’t I rally around Ted Cruz and join the Never Trump movement? I do love me a good movement.

Whereas Trump is an unqualified narcissistic blowhard, Ted Cruz is an evil fuck. President Trump would damage our nation due to ignorant ineptitude, but Cruz would burn us to the ground with anti-American hate.  Cruz has a record in the Senate of attempting to permanently damage our way of life, much like the 9/11 terrorists, and his rhetoric shows in him a desire to divide Americans into Us and Them.

By voting for Trump I hope to provide some small anti-Cruz ammunition at the Republican convention. I will add modestly to Trump’s plurality of the popular vote and, modestly, contribute to the sense that taking away the nomination from the candidate with the most votes is unfair. I am voting for a contested convention. I am voting to make the Republican Party stand face-to-face against the Tea Party and deal with the shit they left on the table. This may be the most strategic vote I have ever cast.

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Jonah Knight is a swing voter who really hopes that the world won’t end before his son becomes supreme leader.

Presidential Qualifications: The Age Test

A lot has been said in the last few weeks about which Democratic candidate is or isn’t “qualified” to be president. But in assessing the qualifications for the nation’s highest and most demanding office, one has to look at physical qualifications as well as professional ones.

I’m sorry if this post isn’t Politically Correct or offends someone’s delicate sensibilities, but watching Sen. Bernie Sanders in last night’s Democratic debate, I couldn’t help but feel he looks too elderly and frail to take on the likes of Putin or Assad. We know what happened to FDR and Woodrow Wilson under the stress of the job, and they were much younger men than Sanders is now. And as pleasant and articulate as Jane Sanders is, I’m not sure she’s ready to run the country in her husband’s place.

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New York State of Mind

Segments:
Bernie’s Superdelegate “hit list”
Roger Stone’s Mafia move
The state of the StopTrump and StopHillary movements
Trump’s Rocky Mountain Low
Is Pennsylvania Kasich’s last shot?
Where are the Democratic party’s referees?

A Grand Bargain for the Bern-man

Okay, BernieBros and SanderSistas, have I got an offer for you! For weeks now you’ve been telling me that delegate math is less important than momentum and youth turnout. And you’ve been howling that since Bernie does better in head-to-head match-ups against Donald Trump and the rest of the GOP ne’er-do-wells than my gal Hill does, he will make the stronger fall candidate. You don’t think it’s fair to have to play delegate catch-up to her Super Tuesday southern primary blowouts or to have to win the hearts and minds of the mean, establishment super-duper delegates that Debbie Wasserman “Shifty” Schultz handpicked to cheat Bernie out of his rightful nomination.

You just want the nomination bestowed on the Bern-man based on effort, energy, and overcoming a 60-point deficit in a mere 9 months. Do I have that right?

Well, okay, then – here’s my offer: I’m agreeing with you!

That’s right. Stop the presses! Hold your Make-America-Great-Again hats! Kevin Kelton is about to change the rules for getting the Democratic nomination. Or at least, change the rules for earning my endorsement.

Continue reading A Grand Bargain for the Bern-man